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Sunday, February 16, 2014

Fear

This post is a little different. In this post, I am vulnerable. I don't have anything to teach you. I don't have anything that I'm persuading you to do.

I'm just scared. 

Ether 12:27
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I have this weakness. I am deathly afraid of shots or immunizations or whatever you want to call them. I'm terribly needlephobic (unless I'm sewing, in which case I'm perfectly fine). 

A couple years ago, my mom took me in to get the flu mist. My sisters also got the mist. My mom got the flu shot. I passed out. 

You're probably thinking, Wait. What? 

Yes. Yes I did. I was wearing my heavy winter coat, I may not have had enough food in me, there was a terrible antiseptic-hospital-smell, I was terrified that someone might change their mind and give me the shot instead of the mist, and the mist itself for some reason made me slightly nauseous. And then they gave my mom the shot. I don't remember if I watched that or not. All I remember is trying to breathe more deeply, saying "I don't feel so good," trying to sit down....and then waking up on the floor. Laughing hysterically because I couldn't believe I had actually passed out. 

Since then, they always make me lay down for shots. Apparently it's impossible to pass out that way.

In health class two years ago, they showed us first aid videos. Really cheesy, poor quality actors, vey fake-looking.... But I couldn't handle it. There was a woman who was supposed to have a piece of glass in her arm, and they walked us through what to do in that situation (leading up to this clip, there had been several other, similar clips). I couldn't watch the screen. I tried to breathe deeper. I felt nauseous. My friends tell me I looked absolutely awful. I went up to the teacher and told him I needed to sit out in the hall. I laid on the floor with my knees up for quite a while. Got a drink. Etc. 

When I went in for an appointment with the oral surgeon, the pre-wisdom-teeth-removal-appointment when they go through all the legal stuff, the guy explained what dry socket is and how it can happen, and what happens in your mouth. I wouldn't let him finish, instead laying on the floor and, nearly hysterically, rambling in my head about the tree outside the window. 

My point is, I don't do medical-y things. There's more stories, about hospitals and clinics and that one time when I was approximately 4 and tensed my muscles right before they gave me a shot in the leg and I still get phantom pains to this day even though I can't remember which leg it was. 

So guess what. I have the last round of two different immunizations tomorrow. Thank goodness they're the last ones of these two series. BUT. I'm pretty much going to be FREAKING OUT until tomorrow afternoon. The previous round of these particular shots, I prayed. At least, I think I did. I asked for comfort and for Him to help me to calm down and things like that. I know that most of my fear is probably just the mental part. How I focus on it and freak out and make myself even more terrified just by thinking about it so much. If He could just help me to not worry so much, to just deal with the actual physical pain (or sometimes the lack thereof...?) when I get to that point, and not worry myself sick in the hours and minutes beforehand. 

Guys, I am probably never going to reread this post. 

I know I'm majorly overreacting. I wish I wouldn't do that. But I don't know how to prevent it. Cuz while I could find ways to distract myself tonight, or tomorrow morning before we leave, and pretend it won't happen....I don't have that ability anymore as soon as we sit down in the waiting room. Even sitting in the car is a struggle. 

How can this weak thing become strong? I know He could do it somehow. He could "cure" me of my fear right this instant. I'm not asking for that. I just want to be a little less nervous, to be a little less tense, to be a lot less stressed out, and preferably not cry at the clinic.

<3 Marie-Rose

8 comments:

  1. Aw, just know tons of people are just as afraid as you. Me being one of them.
    I would always pray before and then just hope i don't freak out (the last round of shots our family went to ended WAY worse than the embarrassment of fainting--me and my brother said some awful things to our mom and I feel SO bad :( and there was also teasing of the younger siblings, and physical fighting--just not a day I want to remember). So I guess next time I go I will be happy to get the shot over the pain of guilt I felt last time ;) even though I'm still deathly afraid of it.

    Well, that didn't really help. But you're not alone! We all love you and good luck!

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    1. Thanks :) gotta leave in an hour and a half. So far I'm fine, but that's cuz I'm not thinking about it....

      <3 Marie-Rose

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  2. Well, I only ended up getting one of the two. The nurse told us that it hasn't yet been 6 months since my last round, so I couldn't get the final shot for that particular series. My mom was mad. She's not making me go back to get it :)

    The other one, tho, I still had to get. The nurse was super awesome, I barely felt the needle...but the meds, those weren't fun. I laid there for quite a while before I could even sit up, much less stand. At that point, it wasn't so much of a mental phobia as a physical reaction to the stress leading up to the event, and the event itself. I was shaking like a leaf and a little dizzy.

    My arm is still sore, but other than that everything went fine :) it helped that my FAVORITE SONG EVER came on the radio just before we got to the clinic. This is the same song that I once prayed would be played, and it was the very next song, and since then every time I hear it I feel like He's watching out for me :)

    <3 Marie-Rose

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    1. Oh my gosh that is so cool! What song was that? That is so cool how every time you hear it you remember how it was an answer to a prayer. The song Brave is that way for me (along with a million hymns) because I had to do something super scary and that song helped me just do the right thing even though it was hard. So now I love that song :)

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    2. Compass by Lady A :) "let your heart, sweetheart, be your compass when you're lost and you should follow it wherever it may go / when it's all said and done, you can walk instead of run, cuz no matter what you'll never be alone / never be alone" :)

      <3 Marie-Rose

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    3. Oh I like it! That is so great!

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    4. It makes me happy :) and I've heard it a grand total of three times today!

      <3 Marie-Rose

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<3 Marie-Rose