Fear

This post is a little different. In this post, I am vulnerable. I don't have anything to teach you. I don't have anything that I'm persuading you to do.

I'm just scared. 

Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I have this weakness. I am deathly afraid of shots or immunizations or whatever you want to call them. I'm terribly needlephobic (unless I'm sewing, in which case I'm perfectly fine). 

A couple years ago, my mom took me in to get the flu mist. My sisters also got the mist. My mom got the flu shot. I passed out. 

You're probably thinking, Wait. What? 

Yes. Yes I did. I was wearing my heavy winter coat, I may not have had enough food in me, there was a terrible antiseptic-hospital-smell, I was terrified that someone might change their mind and give me the shot instead of the mist, and the mist itself for some reason made me slightly nauseous. And then they gave my mom the shot. I don't remember if I watched that or not. All I remember is trying to breathe more deeply, saying "I don't feel so good," trying to sit down....and then waking up on the floor. Laughing hysterically because I couldn't believe I had actually passed out. 

Since then, they always make me lay down for shots. Apparently it's impossible to pass out that way.

In health class two years ago, they showed us first aid videos. Really cheesy, poor quality actors, vey fake-looking.... But I couldn't handle it. There was a woman who was supposed to have a piece of glass in her arm, and they walked us through what to do in that situation (leading up to this clip, there had been several other, similar clips). I couldn't watch the screen. I tried to breathe deeper. I felt nauseous. My friends tell me I looked absolutely awful. I went up to the teacher and told him I needed to sit out in the hall. I laid on the floor with my knees up for quite a while. Got a drink. Etc. 

When I went in for an appointment with the oral surgeon, the pre-wisdom-teeth-removal-appointment when they go through all the legal stuff, the guy explained what dry socket is and how it can happen, and what happens in your mouth. I wouldn't let him finish, instead laying on the floor and, nearly hysterically, rambling in my head about the tree outside the window. 

My point is, I don't do medical-y things. There's more stories, about hospitals and clinics and that one time when I was approximately 4 and tensed my muscles right before they gave me a shot in the leg and I still get phantom pains to this day even though I can't remember which leg it was. 

So guess what. I have the last round of two different immunizations tomorrow. Thank goodness they're the last ones of these two series. BUT. I'm pretty much going to be FREAKING OUT until tomorrow afternoon. The previous round of these particular shots, I prayed. At least, I think I did. I asked for comfort and for Him to help me to calm down and things like that. I know that most of my fear is probably just the mental part. How I focus on it and freak out and make myself even more terrified just by thinking about it so much. If He could just help me to not worry so much, to just deal with the actual physical pain (or sometimes the lack thereof...?) when I get to that point, and not worry myself sick in the hours and minutes beforehand. 

Guys, I am probably never going to reread this post. 

I know I'm majorly overreacting. I wish I wouldn't do that. But I don't know how to prevent it. Cuz while I could find ways to distract myself tonight, or tomorrow morning before we leave, and pretend it won't happen....I don't have that ability anymore as soon as we sit down in the waiting room. Even sitting in the car is a struggle. 

How can this weak thing become strong? I know He could do it somehow. He could "cure" me of my fear right this instant. I'm not asking for that. I just want to be a little less nervous, to be a little less tense, to be a lot less stressed out, and preferably not cry at the clinic.

<3 Marie-Rose